Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Jesus, Precious Jesus.

I started my spiritual disciplines devotional book this month. It goes through 12 disciplines (one for each month) and i decided to start with Worship. Specifically it is focusing on corporate worship. It's been really interesting to ponder things like, why I dress the way I do for church; my attitude toward church throughout the week and on Sundays, the importance of embracing different worship styles/music, worship as a lifestyle, etc.



Today's reading, however, went really deep. The writer talks about how John, one of Jesus' closest friends, fell to the ground overwhelmed at Jesus' glory in his Revelation (chapter 1). The writer encourages us to mediate on whether we are more comfortable with Jesus as a friend or a victorious king.



I've been thinking about this for the last 8 hours and in many ways for the last several months (years?) and the truth is, I'm not sure how I see Jesus. Or if I really see Jesus much at all.



With insight beyond her years my little sister (in Christ, from other parents, however you want to classify it) helped me realize how much Jesus is not present in the depths of my soul. Of course I'm a Christian but somehow, after being raised in the church, the Christ in Christian has lost the power of Jesus and the power of the cross.

For some reason, God is a much easier concept to grasp and worship. This all powerful being that loves me, cares for me, guides me, provides for me. But the idea that a man - an actual person - had to come and literally save me is very hard for me to take hold of. I completely understand it and very much believe it. However, I have a hard time truly feeling it and making in personal. I think it's pride.

Have I ever really needed saving, i ask myself subconsciously. I was always a relatively good kid. Didn't do too much gallivanting around, did ministry, went to church. I have just never really had that 'picked me up, turned me around, placed my feet on solid ground' experience.

I think this is something I will wrestle with for a while.

I want to know and feel Jesus.

I want to figure out how to raise Ruby and Anderson in a Christian home in a way that allows them to know Jesus for themselves so they don't get into their 20's and realize that their faith is more in their head than in their heart....

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